Missing You

Having recently moved to another state, I am experiencing too many shifts and changes to track. Most of my days are still spent unpacking, rearranging, organizing my life in a new space. Of course, I must also pay bills and remind myself taxes will soon be due – all the ongoing maintenance required by life. All of this leaves me with little energy to think or feel the emotional side of this shift. I grieved as I packed up and sold the house that had been home to my parents and many others for 46 years. I grieved as I taught my last yoga classes and had last lunches, dinners, phone calls, etc. with dear family members and friends. I also experienced excitement and expansive joy as I made my way toward living in the same place with my son, daughter-in-law, and precious granddaughter. Even now I am filled with joyful anticipation of my daughter’s visit in a few days. I am having more time with them all than I have had in twenty years.

This morning as I sipped my first espresso, I received a text from my yoga teacher where I used to live. It read, “We all miss you.” My heart warmed and my face smiled to know I am thought of and loved.

At the same time this thing of missing people is unsettling to me. It has been for a long while because my experience has been that people who love me say that when they want me to make them feel better. I had one friend who told me all the time how much she missed me and wanted to do more with me but she never invited me to do anything specific! She wanted me to take full responsibility for our time together and that is not how a healthy relationship works.

As I came to the bottom of my cup of espresso, a memory surfaced from a conversation I had during my basic yoga teacher training in Colorado over twenty years ago. The conversation centered around loving and being loved, infatuation, etc. We realized that the early stage of a relationship, whether platonic or sexual, is so fun and exciting. We want to be with and talk with the person as often as possible. Every encounter is a high! If intimacy begins to grow, some of that settles down and we go about the business of creating a relationship. At one point I gazed into the eyes of my new friend and asked her, “But what is this feeling of falling in love with another, even on the platonic level? Why is it so incredibly wonderful?” She looked softly back into my eyes and answered, “Don’t you think the wonder of it is that we are also falling back in love with ourselves?”

Yes, I do think that. In fact, I know now the truth of that. It is important for me to remember this now because I am missing the person I am when I am with people who love and accept me. My loved ones are missing who they are when I am there loving and accepting them. Do you see? We are more fully ourselves when we are together!

The key is to immerse ourselves in oneness or non-duality. We experience human life as sentient beings and our senses tell us that we can no longer see or touch each other so we must be separated. True Self tells us there is no separation when we transcend the senses and let ourselves feel on that soul level our oneness. I can close my eyes and see, hear, touch, smell, taste and feel you. On the energy level, I am one with you and you are one with me. What I miss are the sensory sensations of being physically with you and that is what you miss about me. The miles can be bridged by phone or a visit, yes? Time and space become meaningless in the oneness of All That Is.

I am what I believe. The practice is to live from my deepest truth: There is no separation. There is only oneness. Care to join me here?

I love you, catherine.

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